Divorce is recognized as one of the most distressing life experiences, no matter the age of spouses. Still, dealing with a divorce at 50 or later may be even more difficult for partners. Besides practical matters awaiting all divorcing people, seniors may feel at a complete loss when parting with someone they spent several decades with.
Understanding the confusion and anxiety older couples may suffer from, we’ve decided to study the topic of a late-life divorce more meticulously. Is it better to divorce before or after retirement? What are the main factors that raise divorce rates among people who are 50+? How do women and men survive this period? What are frequent mistakes tied to a divorce after retirement and how to avoid them? And most importantly – is there a fulfilling life after a gray divorce?
Whether you are over 50 and dreading a looming divorce or the one starting marriage dissolution due to serious marriage problems in your 50s, the information below may help you come up with a viable coping strategy.
What Is a Gray Divorce after 50?
Divorce after 50 is called a gray divorce. According to the latest statistics, there has been a significant increase in the number of people divorcing after 50. The tendency with a senior divorce seems really disturbing and confusing considering that overall divorce rates in the USA have dropped compared to the 1990s. As for situations when spouses are getting divorced at 50, 1 in 3 people make this decision.
It may seem that 50+ is the best age for divorce as, in many cases, children are already adults and can take care of themselves, while parents have enough funds to maintain successful separate living. However, this isn’t the case for most Americans. Besides, there is hardly any perfect age for dissolving marriage.
Are there any similar reasons that force partners to opt for a divorce over 50? When older couples break up, they often provide similar explanations:
- desire to focus on personal needs rather than prioritizing family well-being;
- shift in perspective concerning divorce, which is no longer a taboo;
- attempt to catch up with youth that is associated with happiness and freedom;
- tiredness of predictability in marriage and the urge to build a new romantic relationship;
- empty nest syndrome, meaning children leave a family home and senior parents no longer have a touchpoint;
- unresolved continuous conflicts that eventually erode joint life;
- midlife crisis that is characterized by dissatisfaction, restlessness, and crescent yearning for big life changes.
In fact, the motive for splitting may vary, but the challenges of life after a gray divorce are almost identical for older divorcees. Most of them are afraid of financial problems, changes in living standards, health issues, and isolation.
The fear of such challenges makes some couples look for alternatives to gray divorce. It can be a trial or legal separation complemented by family therapy. Sometimes, such a solution works out, while in other cases, it simply prolongs suffering in an unhappy marriage.
Why Do So Many People Stay Single if They Divorce After 50?
Life after divorce at 50 may seem like an array of opportunities for some people, especially if they weren’t happy with a spouse. They may focus on pursuing their own dreams, finding love after divorce at 50, and simply living their life to the fullest. Others approach a single life with a less optimistic perspective, particularly if they don’t want to split. Individuals who belong to the second group may even see no way of surviving divorce after a long marriage.
Of course, every couple’s situation is different. However, the study concerning the post-divorce life of seniors showed staggering results:
- only 22% of women built new relationships after a gray divorce;
- 37% of men re-partnered after official marriage dissolution.
Researchers analyzed the span of 10 years after divorce. So, more than 60% of men and over 70% of women are divorced and alone at 50. Why does it happen? The main reasons for not starting over after 50 with another partner are the following:
- Independence
After divorcing a long-term partner, some people want to enjoy their independence and autonomy. The newly recovered freedom is so exhilarating that even the possibility of romantic companionships can’t stay on par with it. Finally, ex-spouses can live life on their own terms without compromising to satisfy a partner.
- Emotional healing
Divorce, especially after many years together, can be a challenging life experience. Some people need time to work through gray divorce regrets, calm down, and move forward step by step. The healing process can take several months or years. It is usually more efficient when there is an empathic support group like friends or a therapist.
- Financial considerations
The established financial plan applicable during marriage is no longer viable, and each partner has to support themselves individually. People have to readjust to new life realities, which sometimes means lowering expenses. Getting into a new relationship may imply spending more money than possible. So, a divorced person decides to avoid affairs to have certain financial stability.
- Family situation
Some ex-spouses believe that a good way how to rebuild life after divorce at 50 is to focus on children and grandchildren. It seems more important to them than pursuing a romantic relationship. Besides, they may worry that children won’t accept their new partner. So, they decide to remain single to avoid potential conflicts and complications.
- Trust and intimacy issues
After experiencing the pain of divorce, some people are simply afraid of being let down once again. They find it hard to believe new mates and be open to them. The fear of being hurt again may be so severe that individuals choose isolation instead of an active social life.
- Changes in social norms
Divorce is no longer stigmatized compared to previous decades. Therefore, individuals don’t think it is necessary to have a partner to feel complete and successful. The society treats divorced couples with understanding instead of shaming them.
Why Are Women More Likely to Stay Single if They Divorce After 50?
The biggest cause of divorce for middle-aged and older women was dissatisfaction with their marital life. Previously, a woman’s role in a family was narrowed down to child-rearing and caring for a husband, while a man was the primary earner. Over the years, social dynamics have changed, and women are no longer “assistants” but full-fledged partners. They don’t think about “What does a 50-year-old man want in a relationship?” but concentrate instead on what they want.
According to the latest statistics, almost 70% of divorces in the USA are initiated by women. It is expected that these numbers may increase. Besides, after a divorce is finalized, more women than men are supposed to stay single. Sometimes, this is a voluntary choice due to:
- Financial independence
The range of females interested in a divorce for financial benefits is declining. Today, women are more financially self-sustainable than their ancestors. So, they may not be afraid of splitting with a spouse if they feel unhappy in a marriage. When a marriage ends, they aren’t seeking the financial benefits of divorce but are looking for freedom to live by their desires.
- More active social life
Women are usually more sociable than men. Thus, they communicate more frequently with friends and relatives, and such interactions may be a sufficient substitute for a romantic partnership after a gray divorce. Besides, divorced ladies may participate in special support groups, where other women share their experiences of recovering after a breakup. Therefore, they have more ways to satisfy their social and emotional needs.
- Personal growth
Life after a divorce for a woman over 50 who is financially independent and peaceful about marriage dissolution may be full of opportunities. When there is no need to focus on satisfying a partner, females can prioritize their self-development and do what they want. So, women just don’t want to care for anybody but themselves and decide to be single.
- Negative past experiences
Leaving your husband in your 50s may be the best thing you’ve ever done if he was toxic and abusive. No wonder a woman wants no new relationships after such traumatic life events.
Sometimes, women don’t re-partner after an official marriage ending not because of above-listed benefits of divorce after 50. There is a simpler reason for this decision:
- Life expectancy
Women generally live longer than men. As a result, women who divorce later in life may simply lack potential partners for a heterosexual marriage. Or, senior females may be hesitant to enter into another long-term relationship, especially if they anticipate outliving a potential lover. They may prefer to remain single rather than risk going through another divorce or becoming widowed.
Mistakes to Avoid when Divorcing over 50
Surviving divorce after 50 takes some time and effort. In fact, some couples are searching for alternatives to divorce for older people because the very thought about a breakup seems unbearable. Others choose the opposite approach and start dating after divorce at 50 right after a Final Divorce Decree is issued. As they say – “Different strokes for different folks.”
We highly recommend to be mindful and as reasonable as possible during a divorce process. Below, we have listed common divorce mistakes to avoid for senior couples.
- The Financial Fallout
How to financially survive a divorce? First of all, it is necessary to assess and divide joint property according to the law of the state. When overlooking this aspect, one or both parties may face financial insecurity in their later years, especially if the retirement age is close. Besides, spouses should address retirement planning; otherwise, they may be at the poverty threshold in the future. A couple needs to reevaluate savings, investments, and income sources either themselves or by hiring an expert. If a husband says, “I want a divorce but my wife can’t support herself”, they should define spousal support obligations. If they fail to do so, the court will have the final say.
- Holding onto the House
Where to live after divorce? It may be emotionally comforting to live in a family home, but maintaining it separately can be a huge financial burden. One spouse will have to cover mortgage payments, property taxes, insurance, and other fees on a single income. It is crucial to think twice before making a choice. Sometimes, it is better to sell a house and divide the money so that both ex-spouses can have an equal share.
- Forgetting about Health Insurance
Many older adults rely on their spouse’s health insurance coverage. In post-divorce life, they may face challenges in obtaining affordable healthcare coverage, especially if they are not yet eligible for Medicare. If spouses don’t reach an agreement on this topic during divorce, one of them may have unexpected medical expenses and financial hardship. It’s essential to explore options for obtaining health insurance coverage post-divorce, such as through COBRA continuation coverage, individual health insurance plans, or Medicare.
- Hiding Assets from Your Spouse
It may be tempting to conceal assets to protect them from division. However, doing so is unethical and illegal. Divorcing spouses must fully disclose their financial data during divorce proceedings. Otherwise, they will face serious consequences, including fines, penalties, and loss of credibility with the court. Moreover, the divorce process can get longer and more expensive.
- Underestimating Your Expenses
Individuals may misjudge their future expenses after divorce, especially when transitioning from a dual-income household to a single-income or reduced-income situation. Housing, healthcare, insurance, and everyday payments may increase or change greatly after divorce. Therefore, it is necessary to assess expenses accurately to do proper financial planning and budgeting when living separately.